| 12 November 2010
I recently watched the movie The Collector, a horror movie in which the main protagonist Arkin, played by Josh Stewart, is a burglar who decides to rob the home of a family who has been working for as a labourer for several months. Unfortunately for our sort-of hero, he decides to rob the family on the one night when a sadistic, murdering pyschopath decides to visit the family home to do a bit of stealing for himself. The following 90 minutes see Arkin trying to rescue the family and escape the house, and The Collector's deadly traps, unscathed.
Not knowing anything about the movie, and seeing that it was written by the writer of some of the Saw movies, I decided to check it out as it had a reasonably interesting premise. However, what basically followed was 90 minutes of dumb, predictable torture-porn, with more plot holes than I cared to count. Seriously, this movie is bad. As in really bad.
So, when the time came to decide whether I was going to write a review or not, I found that the more I thought about the movie, the more it bothered me. As such, I decided to have a bit of fun with this review, and instead of going into depth about what I did and didn’t like about it, I decided to make a list of all of the stupid, dumb and nonsensical parts, and generally rip the movie to pieces. Due to the nature of this review there will be some minor spoilers, though I won’t ruin the movie any more than it ruins itself. You have been warned!
If, however, you want to see a bad movie put to shame, then keep reading.
- The plot for The Collector was so transparent, I guessed the ending after 15 minutes. Lame!
- The Collector’s MO is to break into a family’s home, capture the family, decide which one he wants to “collect”, then murder everyone else. I’m sorry, but someone who kills multiple people, then keeps trophies is not a “collector” – they’re a serial killer! Garbage!
- “The Collector” breaks into the family home, captures everyone, and then starts setting up deadly booby traps. It’s almost like he was expecting the local, friendly neighbourhood burglar to swing by. Nonsense!
- “The Collector” has done this several times prior to the events in the movie, yet it appears to have drawn no hype. You’d think a family being slaughtered in a house full of booby traps would garner at least a little media attention. Seriously!
- “The Collector’s” ultimate goal is to keep one family member alive, yet all of the traps he sets up are decidedly lethal. Surely if you put that much preparation into planning something like that, you wouldn’t take the risk that everyone might accidentally die. Whatever!
- “The Collector” puts acid down on the floor of one the rooms in the house. Said acid is so corrosive that it eats through our antagonist’s shoes in around 8 seconds flat. It does not, however, eat through the floor boards. Really?
- SPOILER WARNING: Throughout the movie we are given mixed messages about why “The Collector” keeps one victim alive. We are led to believe it is because he “collects” people, yet we are told later that he keeps one person to use as bait for his next serial murder. This person is then stuffed in a suitcase and left in a prominent place in the house of the next family, in order to spring his first trap. However, surely this trap would work just as well with an empty suitcase! END OF SPOILERS! Seriously! Did anyone proofread the script?!?
- Note to film makers: cutting the last 20 minutes off the end of a movie does NOT constitute an “alternate ending”. I’m losing the will to live here!
My last, and best point is a little something for you all to mull over:
Hold on to your asses, people – we’re going again! That’s right, we live a world so sh**ty that even a movie with a Metacritic average score of 29% can get a sequel. It’s in production right now, and is due for release sometime next year!
Yay! I almost can’t wait. Almost!.
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