| 13 October 2011
I'm going to apologize to you readers right up front. I'm sorry. I'm not happy today. And when I'm not happy, movies get hurt. For those of you sticking around, I salute your nerve. What can I say about this 2011 remake of John Carpenter's classic The Thing? It is shameful. An affront against good taste (which, let's be honest, 1000% of remakes are). And worst of all, a cinematic assault on my personal beliefs.
When I joined the FuddyDuddy Party in 1984, it was a grass roots organization, much smaller than it is today. I was a young man of 19 in search of meaning who had recently been left in the cold by my first wife, who is a whore. She went off with a man who liked to dance. I HATE DANCE! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! I don't know where you're from, but in my book dancing is for two kinds of people: queers and riff-raff. Anyway, soon she was dancing all over town with all types of no good trash. I told her it was me or dance. She chose dance because she is a whore. It was there in my darkest hour that the FuddyDuddies took me in. They taught me about how I was right to hate dance. They showed me the joys of acapella hymnals. They embraced channeling our evil desires into the serenity of fishing. And most importantly, they informed me about Zarganon, who will one day lead us to our true calling as plague slaves on the planet Ramshandashanda. And now along comes The Thing, sent to mock me and my beliefs by having a Zarganon surrogate decimate a camp of Finlandish* scientists.
The movie starts out nice enough. Scientists are doing their science thing and they come across the spaceship. Before long they start getting picked off one by one by the alien. Fine. I'm with them there, despite the director's haphazard direction. Many alien species would go about their business this way, so it's not unbelievable. It is not until the true face of the monster is reveled as a gargantuan CGI glob of gelatinous limbs and goo filled of various teeth and bones and eyeballs (in other words, a direct interpretation of Zarganon) that the offense takes place, but what an offense!!! I don't have to tell you that Zarganon would never destroy the flesh of those who he plans to convert to plague slaves. IT IS ILLOGICAL!!! But these are just the kind of attacks I would expect from the trifling dum dum nincompoops who rally against the true way.
Normally I'd advise you to take your boyfriend/girlfriend to see any scary movie despite its quality, as it always makes for a pleasant date. But on this one my advice is: Skip this stinker! Me? You can bet your two bits that I'll be taking my wife out to see that Footloose movie instead.
*Oh, how specific that they are Finlandish when the FuddyDuddy Party was founded by people of Finlandish descent... Coincidence? Impossible!
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