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Turning a candy bar into a film is a risky move, but if you’re going to do it, you should absolutely do it in 3D! Paul Anderson (former beau of Fiona Apple, now putting it in Milla Jovovich) does just that with Three Musketeers, a tale of chocolaty goodness and also swords. And it’s in 3D! I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for the newest 3D movie. It seems like it has been years since we’ve had a new one. 3D!!!
The Three Musketeers are Athos, Porterhouse and Harold Ramis. I can only assume that they represent the parts of the candy bar: the outer chocolate, the inner, whipped chocolate, and the edible wrapper. The film does an excellent job at conveying the wonderful, stabbing pains you get in your stomach when you eat a 3 Musketeers bar by making the heroes into skilled swordsmen. Every time one of their shiny blades exited the screen I could actually feel the point of their rapier invade my abdomen, which made me giddy. Several times I found myself laughing like a wild man to the point where tears were streaming down my face and mucus ran from various other holes in my body. Once I even screamed, “Pin! Prick! Pin! Prick!” right before I sprayed the three candy bars I had eaten during the opening credits all over Troy, who had come with me because it was his mom’s Tupperware night with the guys. He was not happy and did not enjoy the film, but he does not understand the power of metaphor.
I have to admit, I did not view the last 20 minutes of the movie as I blacked out and was taken to the hospital. They said something about Mylar poisoning yadda yadda yadda. Same thing they say every time I visit. They just want to ruin my fun. I tell you what, if I die of 3D poisoning, I will be the happiest man on earth! In fact, I’m going to see this three dimensional winner again. Right now! Who’s coming with me?!
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I'm going to apologize to you readers right up front. I'm sorry. I'm not happy today. And when I'm not happy, movies get hurt. For those of you sticking around, I salute your nerve. What can I say about this 2011 remake of John Carpenter's classic The Thing? It is shameful. An affront against good taste (which, let's be honest, 1000% of remakes are). And worst of all, a cinematic assault on my personal beliefs.
When I joined the FuddyDuddy Party in 1984, it was a grass roots organization, much smaller than it is today. I was a young man of 19 in search of meaning who had recently been left in the cold by my first wife, who is a whore. She went off with a man who liked to dance. I HATE DANCE! Hate it! Hate it! Hate it! I don't know where you're from, but in my book dancing is for two kinds of people: queers and riff-raff. Anyway, soon she was dancing all over town with all types of no good trash. I told her it was me or dance. She chose dance because she is a whore. It was there in my darkest hour that the FuddyDuddies took me in. They taught me about how I was right to hate dance. They showed me the joys of acapella hymnals. They embraced channeling our evil desires into the serenity of fishing. And most importantly, they informed me about Zarganon, who will one day lead us to our true calling as plague slaves on the planet Ramshandashanda. And now along comes The Thing, sent to mock me and my beliefs by having a Zarganon surrogate decimate a camp of Finlandish* scientists.
The movie starts out nice enough. Scientists are doing their science thing and they come across the spaceship. Before long they start getting picked off one by one by the alien. Fine. I'm with them there, despite the director's haphazard direction. Many alien species would go about their business this way, so it's not unbelievable. It is not until the true face of the monster is reveled as a gargantuan CGI glob of gelatinous limbs and goo filled of various teeth and bones and eyeballs (in other words, a direct interpretation of Zarganon) that the offense takes place, but what an offense!!! I don't have to tell you that Zarganon would never destroy the flesh of those who he plans to convert to plague slaves. IT IS ILLOGICAL!!! But these are just the kind of attacks I would expect from the trifling dum dum nincompoops who rally against the true way.
Normally I'd advise you to take your boyfriend/girlfriend to see any scary movie despite its quality, as it always makes for a pleasant date. But on this one my advice is: Skip this stinker! Me? You can bet your two bits that I'll be taking my wife out to see that Footloose movie instead.
*Oh, how specific that they are Finlandish when the FuddyDuddy Party was founded by people of Finlandish descent... Coincidence? Impossible!
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Greetings, nerds and faithful followers! It is with a heavy heart that I deliver this bleak broadcast, a regretful report on this week’s blustery, bodacious blockbuster, Reel Steal. To put it succinctly, Reel Steal is a doozy of a stinker!
To say I was looking forward to the latest Hugh Jackman juggernaut would be an understatement of outlandish proportions. As you all know, my devotion to the able-bodied Aussie extends to dressing my minion (aka Troy, my stepson) as a different Jackman inspired character every Hallow’s Eve. (Many of you remember him in his replica Wyatt Bose outfit from Jackman’s introductory scene in Deception, which I hand sewed by myself.) But this time you have broken my heart, Hugh!
Why Jackman would come up with a concept as foolish as Reel Steal confounds me. Who in their right mind would think anyone has the desire to watch a movie about any type of fishing? Look at all the past movies about fishing…Brad Pitt’s A River Runs Through It, Piranha II: The Spawning, Lethal Weapon III: Gone Fishin’, Deliverance… all complete commercial and critical failures! Furthermore, why involve robuts? You can’t win at fishing by using computers. Robuts are computers. Last year Troy broke the aquarium in the computer room. Water and fish got all over the computer. It died. Now Hugh Jackman wants me to buy that he can train a computer to be the best at fishing so he can knock off the First National Fisherman’s Bank during the country’s biggest fishing tournament. Hogwash! Sounds to me like Jackman needs to get a clue through his Adamantium* skull! As anyone who has ever been fishing will tell you, there’s something magical about the sport of fishing that computers cannot comprehend.
On top of all this, the performances are as heartless and soulless as the goddamn robuts and Eugene Levy’s direction lacks the charm that he brought to all those great American Pie movies. If you want a “reel” fun time and you need a Jackman fix, you’re better off spending a night in with the family watching a double feature of Swordfish (a much better fishing movie) and Van Helsing.
*note – I do not know what Adamantium is, but Troy insists this is funny. no comments
This fan-made HD remake of my favorite Sonic game, Sonic the Hedgehog 2, looks awesome. I just hope Sega picks it up and actually releases it, instead of the imminent shutdown that they'll probably invoke. no comments
I watched the 2004 film Kung Fu Hutsle last night for the first time in a few years, and I must admit that I liked it a lot more than I remembered. Although the CGI is starting to show its age, it's still really well paced and written almost flawlessly. I thought I'd make a quick note to anyone out there that if you haven't seen it (or lately, for that matter), you need to check it out. no comments
In this modern age of American Idols, we all seem to forget about the everyman in each of us. For instance, each of us have a chubby little girl inside of us that looks like Chucky and can't hit the right notes on a Whitney Houston song and freaks out because of it. This video is dedicated to her. Have a good weekend! no comments
I recently watched the movie The Collector, a horror movie in which the main protagonist Arkin, played by Josh Stewart, is a burglar who decides to rob the home of a family who has been working for as a labourer for several months. Unfortunately for our sort-of hero, he decides to rob the family on the one night when a sadistic, murdering pyschopath decides to visit the family home to do a bit of stealing for himself. The following 90 minutes see Arkin trying to rescue the family and escape the house, and The Collector's deadly traps, unscathed.
Not knowing anything about the movie, and seeing that it was written by the writer of some of the Saw movies, I decided to check it out as it had a reasonably interesting premise. However, what basically followed was 90 minutes of dumb, predictable torture-porn, with more plot holes than I cared to count. Seriously, this movie is bad. As in really bad.
So, when the time came to decide whether I was going to write a review or not, I found that the more I thought about the movie, the more it bothered me. As such, I decided to have a bit of fun with this review, and instead of going into depth about what I did and didn’t like about it, I decided to make a list of all of the stupid, dumb and nonsensical parts, and generally rip the movie to pieces. Due to the nature of this review there will be some minor spoilers, though I won’t ruin the movie any more than it ruins itself. You have been warned!
If, however, you want to see a bad movie put to shame, then keep reading.
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I've devoured every piece of Predator media out there: films, comics, video games (I even played through the atrocious Predator 2 Sega Genesis game when I was a kid), fruit snacks, you name it. When I heard that Predators was coming out, I was skeptical just like everyone else. After all, those Aliens vs. Predator movies were downright lousy. Little did I know that this film is not only surprisingly good, but the first film since the first Predator to really capture my interest.
The first surprising fact about this film is the heavy hitters that helmed it: Robert Rodriguez developed the Predators script in 1994 (before Desperado was made), and also co-produced it, and it was directed by Nimród Antal (Vacancy). Its ensemble cast is just as impressive, starring Adrien Brody, Laurence Fishburne, Topher Grace, and Danny Trejo. Lastly, the film uses much of the score from the first film, which really brings you right back to 1987. Altogether, this star-studded team results in a film that's solidly produced and thoroughly engaging.
What made the first Predator so good was the fact that it was chock-full of surprises; a seemingly predictable jungle combat flick instantly turned into a sci-fi horror/survival movie that was filled to the brim with ingenuity. Without giving any of the story away (since that is what is most engaging about this film), I will say that it is the true spiritual successor to the first Predator, and that it presents just as many new questions as the first movie did over 20 years ago. Predators does have some lulls, and it's definitely not life-changing, but its high points make it worth it.
If you really liked the first Predator, I think you'll enjoy this new film as much as I did. It's full of homages to the original, and moves the series into many new directions while still remaining true to the franchise. no comments
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